Twas the night before Christmas… and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring except for an extremely nosy person who couldn’t wait to open his gifts–
“Hey! I can’t help it. Can’t we just open one gift? On Christmas Eve? People do that, you know. Some people open all their gifts on Christmas Eve.”
“Because then eventually you’d get impatient and want to open them on Christmas Eve’s Eve and so on and so forth. Be patient.”
“Now, where was I?”
“Being mean to me.”
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care–
“Those look like socks to me.”
“Says me now let me continue.”
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
“…. why’d you stop?”
“I figured you’d make some sort of comment about sugarplums.”
“They sound tasty. Continue.”
And Chance in his kerchief and I in my cap–
“Wait, I’m only wearing a kerchief?”
“Uh, well, I don’t–“
“Sounds kinky. But you know, I know how this story goes and you’re too grouchy to be the dad. You can wear nothing but the kerchief *giggle*.”
“Chance this isn’t–“
“And me in my cap.”
And Specter in his kerchief and Chance in his cap
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Chance sprang from the bed to see what’s the matter and probably fell flat on his face.
“That’s what you get for interrupting me every other second.”
Away to the window he flew like flash–
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
“Now I’m stripping?”
“No, it’s like opening a window. The sash is–it’s opening a window, the sash of the window. Not the sash of a robe–“
“I was wondering, since apparently I’m naked except for a hat.”
“You have long johns on, now can I–“
“This is not child appropriate.”
The moon on the breast–
The moon on the breast of–
“Some woman is walking around topless with moon shining on her boobs.”
Gave the luster of midday to objects below.
When what to Chance’s wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
But a miniature sleigh and nine tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
Chance knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick–
“He looks like you.”
“Saint Nick looks like you, with a big bushy beard and all. He looks like you in my head so he’s not very old. Redo that bit. Make him all muscle-y and sexy.”
“With a handsome young driver. Go on, he’s you so…”
With a handsome young driver so lively and quick
Chance knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
‘Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen.
“You know what.”
‘On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen and Rudolph.
To the top of the porch to the top of the wall!
Now dash away dash away dash away all!’
“This part is boring get to the fun part.”
“The fun part. Where the sexy Saint Nick comes down the chimney.”
As Chance drew in his head and was turning around
Down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur–
“Chance can you please let met finish this damn story?!”
“Told you that you were too grouchy to be the dad. He’s dressed like this *scribbles something down* here.”
“I AM NOT READING THIS!”
“Damn it, Chance.”
He was dressed in some pants, his muscled chest all revealed
As his muscles gleamed in the soft glow from the Christmas lights, to Chance he appealed
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back
And in addition he had quite a big–
“I AM NOT READING THIS!”
“Aw come on… it’s all true.”
“This is smut, I am not reading this. Give me the book back, I’m reading the actual words.”
“Can’t you at least mix some of you in with Santa?”
His eyes how they narrowed, his glare how stare-y
His teeth creaked as he grit them, his rage very scary.
His unhappy little mouth was drawn out in a frown.
And his beard was more majestic than anything else in the entire town
“Not like that…”
“Your beard is majestic though.”
The stump of a pipe–
“Ew, nooooo! Just get rid of that line.”
He had a broad face and a–
“Remember to make it you, Specter. Here, read at least this part of what I wrote? It’s really good and not very smutty I promise.”
He had a broad face and really tight abs
That rippled as he moved he was really quite fab?
“Um, I’m not the best of poet…”
He was ripped and half-naked, a right sexy young elf
And Chance swooned when he saw him in spite of himself.
“Wait, you’re married to me in this story. I’m asleep in bed with a kerchief.”
“Yeah but you’re Saint Nick too.”
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave Chance to know he had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk
And laying his hand on Chance’s–
“You said this wasn’t smutty.”
“I’m going with the original, deal with it.”
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But Chance heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight…
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Merry Christmas everyone! And Happy Holidays everyone, whichever holiday you celebrate! And if you don’t celebrate any holiday then have a good rest of 2014 ❤